Last week my divorce was finalized. A notary came to our Airbnb rental in New Mexico and swore me in while I spoke on the phone with a judge. My anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t want to do the wrong thing and anger the judge. I was in disbelief that you could even finalize a divorce over the phone. Turns out, in Texas, if your spouse signs a certain paper, you can finalize your divorce over the phone. Luckily, that was my situation.
It didn’t feel real to me which is funny because my marriage didn’t seem very real either. It was a fluke. It was a joke from the very beginning. It took five minutes to finalize almost 5 years of marriage. FIVE WHOLE MINUTES. After the phone call ended and the notary left, I sat down. I didn’t really feel anything. I didn’t feel relieved. I didn’t cry. I didn’t smile. Numbness overtook me.
I could hear the big girls playing with the toddler in their room. They are so innocent. They had no idea what I was doing.
It’s been a week and I am still working through it all in my mind. I am still holding in emotions. I know they will come out eventually but for now I choose to ignore those pesky little things. I mean. Is it possible to be pissed off and heartbroken at the same time? Is it possible to also be happy because if I could describe my emotions that’s probably how I would describe it. Happy, devastated, and pissed off!
I think about how much money I had to spend to get these final papers. Money that could have been spent on the girls. I think of the stress surrounding them. As I look at them, I think of the constant heartache that led to them. It is not fair. It’s not fair to me and it sure as hell is not fair to the girls but it is our reality.
I am divorced. I will be okay. The girls will be okay. Life does in fact go on. Time heals.