How I Found Freedom In Divorce
For most people, the happiest days of their lives are the day their kids are born or the day they married the love of their life. For me, it was the day I got divorced.
I, like so many others, was stuck in an abusive marriage. And even though my husband at the time and I had separated, it wasn’t until our divorce was finalized and there was some distance between us that I was able to actually breathe again.
You see. When you are in an abusive marriage/relationship, it is hard to see your life outside of that relationship. Everything is about your partner. I was crippled with neediness, love for him, and FEAR.
That all changed when I found freedom after divorce.
Life After Divorce For Women
Life after divorce for women usually does require some healing time. There will be emotions that need to be navigated and healing doesn’t happen overnight. As soon as I received word that I was officially divorced, I did feel a sense of relief and freedom immediately but I also felt great sadness mixed with a bit of f*ck you!
I experienced a crazy wide range of emotions soon after my divorce. There were times when I felt absolutely amazing and other times when I wanted to curl up into a ball and just disappear.
You might feel this wide range of emotions and that is completely normal. We have to extend grace to ourselves and remember that we are human and emotions are part of everyday life.
Loneliness After Divorce
As a single mom of three, I am hardly ever alone yet I still experienced loneliness after divorce. You grow so used to having a partner even when they are not the very best partner.
With a divorce, suddenly you don’t have a partner and instead, you are met with loneliness. This is normal. What worked for me to combat loneliness after divorce, was pursuing my passions and surrounding myself with high vibe like-minded people.
I created a Facebook community online for single moms who want to create their dream lives called Single Moms DO Travel.
Since creating this group, I have met other single moms all around the world. In fact, here in Merida, there are currently eight SMDT members living here. My life is full of love now and there is no more loneliness.
I remember going off to school and having to leave school early because I missed my husband so much. If there was a day that I was actually doing okay, he would write to me and tell me to come home because he missed me so much. Ladies, this type of behavior is a red flag! I didn’t know it then but I recognize it now.
As in love with my husband as I was, I was also terrified of him and still am. He could seemingly be the sweetest man on earth but when he flipped, it was a whole different story.
In order to gain control over me, he utilized the tools of silence and then psychological manipulation. When I would confront him with evidence of his multiple affairs, he would get angry and go silent.
Eventually, he would somehow turn it around on me, and I would begin to question my own sanity. This happened far too often than I care to admit.
I was terrified to leave him for so many reasons. His threats of suicide had me scared to leave. We had custody of his two children and if I left, I knew he would lose them.
At the time, I thought that was a bad thing because he had me convinced that his ex-wife was a terrible human being. But this is all part of the game and it was all lies.
And then there were the messages of harm to myself and my children I received every time I tried to pull away. This made me terrified to leave. At the time, I didn’t realize that the person sending me the messages saying they would harm my kids was him. All this info would come out after we finally separated.
My plan to travel the world with my daughters started before I was officially divorced but I found myself sticking around our hometown of Austin to be closer to him.
I was making excuses. I didn’t want to take the girls away from him for too long but I was ignoring the fact that the girls had gone through what I had and still were.
Here I was subjecting them to the emotional abuse that broke me. I was not showing them HOW a woman was supposed to be treated. Instead, I was setting them up for failure.
When He Shows Himself, Listen.
Luckily, my husband at the time let the mask fall once more and this time, I had the strength to hire a lawyer and leave for good. He didn’t believe me and played all the best mind games but I had in fact hired a lawyer. I started to feel a touch of strength and freedom. This was the day I realized my marriage was over.
However, divorces can take a while. In fact, we were separated for 11 months before I even hired my own lawyer. At the beginning of our separation, I believed him when he said we both didn’t need lawyers and that we could just use his lawyer.
In fact, I even paid his lawyer to get the process started 11 months prior. It went nowhere, of course, because I kept being pulled back into the abusive cycle I was struggling to escape from.
At this point, I was craving adventure. I was craving freedom and to follow the dream I had started when we sold the house and donated most of our possessions. Out of nowhere, I booked two separate weeks through Armed Forces Vacation Club in New Mexico and Colorado. I wasn’t divorced but I refused to let that hold me back from traveling anymore.
I couldn’t leave the country but I sure as heck could explore as much of the beautiful USA as I wanted so that is exactly what I did.
When my husband at the time found out we were leaving on a road trip his threats amped up but it was nothing I hadn’t heard before. I was growing numb to his abuse.
During this ROAD TRIP, I did get divorced. Actually, my divorce was finalized ON THE PHONE. I remember that morning clearly. It was nerve-wracking even though I wasn’t in the courtroom with my lawyer.
Once the call ended with the Judge and my lawyer, a sense of sadness and freedom washed over me. Finally, I gained some control over my life back. I started to breathe again. The freedom that comes from divorce is the best!
Time To Break Free
I know there are women out there who feel trapped and are too scared to leave but you cannot remain trapped. You HAVE TO break free. There is freedom in divorce.
I made sure my divorce papers were very specific when it came to traveling and living abroad so that my daughters and I could continue our dream without my ex-husband trying to control us.
I know everyone’s case is different and it is not always easy but IT IS worth fighting for. Trust me! You too can find divorce freedom just like I found freedom in divorce.
If you are ready for healing, then I recommend the book You Are a Badass: How To Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life. This book is life-changing! If you want to buy the book, you can BUY IT HERE! Once you have read it, let me know in the comments below how it has changed your life.